What conversational style do you use?

Conversational styles: Are Men and Women the same?

We all know that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but what does that mean in a real “day to day” living arrangement? Generally speaking women are talkers and men are generally “doers.” These differences make for great blending, but they can also create some difficult problems for many couples.


Does gender really break down into talkers and non-talkers?
• It may not be all that simple, but generally women get a boost of oxytocin, the feel good hormone when they speak to others.
• Men get this same boost, but testosterone blunts the effect and talking is generally not as much of a “high” for them
• Women generally are circular talkers- meaning they talk around an issue to give you a “holistic” view of the discussion.
• Men are typically direct talkers and speak quickly and to the point with as few words as necessary
• Of course there are exceptions to these concepts because we are all individuals and unique

Are there some ways to communicate better considering the differences?
• If you are a talker, slow down so the non-talker can absorb your conversation
• If you are a talker, ask questions and get the other person involved
• If you are a non-talker use simple cues to let the talker know that you are listening. Nod your head, say, “I hear you”, or “I think I can see how you felt that way.”
• Set aside talking time as well as time to just relax without conversation

Are there some things that men could do to enhance their conversational relationship with women?
• listen to them and offer no solutions. Women want to be heard and figure out their own solutions
• Learn reflecting skills – make statements that show you understand
• Make eye contact, try a gentle touch or holding a hand when listening
• Understand the importance of “TALKING” in a women’s life

What can women do to enhance their conversational relationships with men?
• Notice and offer appreciation to men. Men value noticing that they are doing things that care for those they love.
• Give lots of compliments with men. Men need to feel appreciated
• Allow men to have free time to sort, analyze, think. Cave time is essential for men and they need quiet time to work through things in their own way.
• Use direct and short conversations so men can “really hear” what you are saying.

Breaking up is hard to do....

Scientific results that validate "addictive" relationships and their hold on us? Check out the new research at http://psychcentral.com/news/2010/07/07/relationship-breakup-similar-to-addiction-withdrawal/15375.html


Interesting interview with the Dr. Brown on CNN today... makes you contemplate-- especially when my best selling book was called "Addictive Relationships." hummmmm

Enhancing Your Relationship

Everyone wants to have the perfect relationship, but are you doing what it takes to create that type of relationship in your life? Before you can have a healthy relationship, it is essential that you know what it looks like, and realize that it takes devotion and work Tonight we will explore the topic and give you some ideas to enhance your life.

We all want good relationships, but why do so many relationships fail?
• People fail to put in the work and devotion that is needed in a relationship. Whatever is valuable to you takes time, commitment and practice. If you want a relationship to endure, you must be willing to value what it takes to maintain its health.


What are some of the key components of a healthy relationship?
• A relationship that is built on negotiation and compromise
• A relationship that accepts differences versus one that demands changes in your partner
• A relationship in which each person can see the other through his or her individual points of view.
• A relationship that shows respect, honor and commitment


Conflicts arise in every relationship, but what are some tips for those who want to handle them effectively?
• Deal with one issue at a time. It might be tempting to go through all of your grievances in the midst of an argument, but deal with one thing at a time to resolve conflict
• Really listen to your partner. Focus on really “hearing” what your partner is saying vs. focusing on your response or defending your position
• Edit your conversation. Just because you think something, you don’t have to say it. Decide if saying something is helpful, non-hurtful, and meaningful to the conversation
• Realize sometimes it is best to just move on. It might be hard to admit, but sometimes there just isn’t a solution, and the best decision is to just “agree to disagree.”
• Look for a win-win philosophy. Healthy relationships have no losers. Each person should feel heard, and feel as though they both are winners in the relationship discussion.
• Fight fair. The key is to focus on the fact that you love your partner and remember there is no hitting below the belt. That means, no name-calling, no attacking, no hitting, and accepting your part in the disagreement.

Your relationship can lead to a stroke

Unhappy in your marriage? It can kill you. A recent Israeli study of 10,000 men found that single men and unhappy husbands are at greater risk of dying from a stroke. There are numerous reasons that lead to this finding,including the fact that dysfuncational relationalships take a toll on our body.

To learn more go to http://abcnews.go.com/print?id=9920505

Jealousy... the green eyed monster

Jealous feelings can dramatically dampen intimacy and your marriage. A February article looks at the research and you might find this an interesting read.

http://www.businessweek.com/lifestyle/content/healthday/635911.html

Men, Women, & Love

Well, it’s February and the time for looking at relationships. Tonight we will look at some of the new studies that look at the differences between men, women, and how we handle conflict, grief and love.

You’ve brought us some new research related to how women choose their partners. What did the research indicate?
• Women who are looking for a long-term partner want someone will be a good provider
• Women who are seeking short-termed relationships are looking for physical attractiveness
• Women gauge their own attractiveness with what they are able to “get in return.”
• The four key items that women identify as important to them are good genes reflected in physical traits, resources good parenting skills and loyalty and devotion

But what about those who already are in a relationship? What helps them stay together during marital difficulties?
• A 2009 study shows that those who use kind ”thoughtful words” during marital conflicts will reduce their stress and the implications of physical health problems
• Those who are in troubled relationships and use abusive hurtful words tend to have elevated levels of chemicals called CYTOKINES which fight infections in our immune system. High levels lead to increased levels of arthritis, cancers, diabetes and cardiovascular disease.
• Neutral , calming, and soft toned words during conflict tend to reduce stress—but most people don’t need a study to know these facts are accurate

Do we have any studies to share regarding men?
• A 2009 study shows that gender plays in part in partner abandonment after the diagnosis of a serious illness.
• The study shows that women are 6 times more likely to be abandoned by their partner if they are diagnosed with a diagnosis of cancer or MS—vs if the man is the patient
• The results suggest that men leave sick women because of their lack of ability to be caregivers and to assume the burdens of maintaining a home and family.
• The one bright spot is that the longer the duration of the marriage the less likely that a male will abandon his partner after the diagnosis of a life threatening illness
• Obviously, the key is for medical providers, counselors, and family members to be aware of the statistics and encourage some intervention from trained professional counselors to deal with these issues.

GULP... Research says men feel less guilt

A new research study out today states that men feel less guilt and lower rates of sensitivity than women. To read more about this study, go to:

http://psychcentral.com/news/2010/01/26/sensitivity-feelings-of-guilt-low-in-men/10958.html


This article should get the conversation started....

How a Bad Marriage Can Effect You

A March survey looked at how bad marriages affect the health of men and women. The study, which was done at the University of Utah, has some interesting findings.


A recent study reported that women have a different reaction to a “bad marriage” compared to men. Can you explain?
• Middle-age women have more health problems such as high blood pressure, excess belly fat, and factors that boost risk for diabetes and heart attack
• Toxic relationships affect your whole health
• Women in a bad relationship were twice as likely to be depressed than other
women

What did the study say about men in bad relationships?
• They experience depression but not at the level of women
• Men typically have emotional effects from a poor marriage, but not physical health concerns


What can couples do if they find themselves in a bad marriage?
• Increase your communication and try to discuss problem issues.
• Make sure you address emotional and physical symptoms as quickly as possible.
• Access marriage counseling as soon as things begin to hit problems
• Don’t wait until the marriage is at crisis level (by that I mean ready to look into legal separation or divorce)
•

What makes up a lasting relationship?

What are some of the key elements that researchers have discovered keep a marriage together?
• Humor- lasting relationships use humor as a means of keeping things in perspective and coping with adversity. Enduring relationships know how to laugh at situations, versus laughing at each other.
• Communication. Enduring relationships make time to communicate and share. Just like everything else, marriages need attention and relationships that are strong are ones in which the couple has learned good skills of listening, empathy, and reinforcement.
• Nurturing. Those who know how to nurture and show kindness to their partners are the ones who have relationships that last forever. Partners who encourage, cherish and build up each other have the strongest connections
• Build togetherness. Strong relationships are ones where there are common interests and ones were there are projects were the couple works together on their own connection and activities in their lives
Keep the romance alive. Relationships that last find ways to keep the marriage fresh and alive. Whether it is bringing roses, sending cards, leaving love notes, sending cute text messages, or making phone calls… it’s the dedication to keeping the relationship a priority that is the key to enduring and ever-lasting connections

Can Your Relationship Endure the Test of Time?

Relationship experts would generally agree on two things about lasting & enduring relationships: First, relationships are BUILT not FOUND. Secondly, that lasting relationships are sustained and kindled in many small ways throughout the years.

We are seeing more and more divorces and separations today in America. What do couples who have sustained long relationships suggest are common keys in their lasting success?
o good communication based in good listening and reflecting skills
o shared interests and hobbies
o mutual respect for each other without needing to change the other person
o ability to give and take-learning the skills of compromise & negiotation
o equality in the relationship which encourages individuality
o playfulness & humor


How do these partners create this type of enduring love?
o accept differences in each other
o maintain strength during adversity-work together when times are difficult
o provide nurturing, kindness and gentleness
o build togetherness
o use positives- be a cheerleader for each other

What are some simple things you can do each day that will take less than 5 minutes to nurture your relationship?
o Make time for touching, hugs, and kisses
o Bring attention to “us” This means make the relationship the number one
priority in your life
o Give compliments to your partner. Try to say at least 5 positive things to your
partner each day
o Express appreciation & gratitude to your partner
o Have “meaningful” communication about things that matter. Talk about your
dreams, your purpose, and things that are of value to both of you.
o Say “I love you” and let your behaviors exhibit it!

Are You Dating A Bully?


Are there really characteristics that suggest you are dating a loser?
Yes, and we will identify some of the potentially emotionally damaging characteristics your partner may possess and why these characteristics can be damaging psychologically and even physically.

Can you give us a few examples of knowing when you are with a loser?
1. Rough treatment. Whether they shove you, break your personal property, slap, kick, bite or harm you in any way—realize you are with a loser and you deserve to find a healthy relationship without that person
2. Put-downs. Are you with someone who is always being critical, putting you down, or constantly correcting you for your mistakes? Do you always feel on-guard? Do they constantly tell you that you are fat? Stupid? Unattractive? These things chip away at your confidence and self-esteem. Get out before you are in a deep psychological depression.
3. Breakup panic. Are you with someone who is always threatening to leave? Someone who threatens to break up unless you do things their way? Do they threaten you by saying they will leave or attempt suicide? These are all examples of means of controlling a relationship through manipulation.
4. No outside interests. Be cautious if your partner has nothing in their life except you, and they want you to drop all your hobbies, friends, activities, and appointments. This encompassing relationship prevents both parties from growing and creates destructive dependency

If you find yourself in one of these relationships, what should you do?
1. Seek counseling from a trained licensed professional
2. Gather a support system
3. Decide if this relationship is healthy for you, and if not, create a plan to end the relationship without blame
4. Be decisive. Too many people vacillate and go in and out of relationships. Be sure to look at all the pros and cons before you decide to remain in a relationship or stay.

Newlywed Quiz: How much do you know?

• More women than men claim that they fell in love at first sight with their mate?
False. Actally two times as many men report falling in love at first sight.

• On an average how often do newlyweds call each other during the work day?
Reports indicate that 33% call their partner once a day; 26% call their partner twice a
day;18% call three times a day. The most talkative are the couples with age ranges of
18-24.)

• What percentage of men do not wear their wedding rings?
Actually 26% of men report not wearing their ring while only 7% of women report not wearing the ring. The culprits are typically men over 40, earning large incomes, and
married more than once.

• A woman typically says “I’m sorry” first after a fight?
False. It is usually the male who breaks down and says I’m sorry, and generally take the blame, while women will say it is both parties fault.

• Most newlyweds say that they would rather go out with another couple than going out alone as a couple?
False. 78% say that that they would like to go out alone.

• THE AGE OLD QUESTION: Will men ask for directions if they are lost?
85% of men report that they would ask for directions if lost--- but the women note that
only 23% of them actually do ask for assistance. The battle of the genders still wages on....

*Research from Just Married by Sinrod & Grey)

Closer Ties Between Children & Parents

A December 2006 Wall Street Journal article noted that the relationships between parents and their children are making a dramatic turn. Families today are finding a “balance” between independence and closeness.

What do the most recent statistics illustrate?
· Studies show that twenty-something’s are more dependent on their parents, and may even be termed “parent lovers.” This means today’s youth are more in touch with their parents than previous generations.
The Wall Street Journal noted some tips and advises for mastering relationships between children and parents…
· Talk in the same language. Kids love to text message, so check in using the same technology, and you’ll be surprised how much your communication will improve.
· Don’t consider yourself friends. Kids want boundaries and not parents who act like their peers.
· Beware: criticism and critiques destroy relationships. Remember that your voice may have lasting impact, when other voices fade quickly into the night.
· Learn from each other. Remember you have just as many opportunities to learn things from your children, as they do from you. When you learn this lesson, your relationship will flourish.
· Today’s kids are comfortable with being wired. Email, text message, or call on his or her cell phone, since today’s youth are in constant contact with everybody.
Any other tips you might suggest?
• Keep the communication open-ended and short and you’ll be surprised how much communication you get when you don’t lecture
• Be there as a cheerleader. Your children need your support and encouragement, and you can bolster your relationship by being there for them through the good times and the difficult times.

Happy Valentine's Day to all

There are many who feel “forgotten” on Valentine’s Day. Is it true that people experience depression on this holiday?
Absolutely… people who have a “down day” include those who are not in significant relationships, those who have lost their loved one, and those who are in relationships that are not fulfilling. Unfortunately, our media has created the illusion that everyone will have romance on this day. Use Valentine’s Day to tell people you care about them and are grateful they are in your life.

Valentine’s day can be difficult for some people who don’t have a significant other. What are some ideas for those who facing this situation?
1. Do something nice for yourself. Bring in a special dinner, go to a movie, buy yourself some chocolate
2. Spend time with a friend who is also single
3. Focus on gratitude—look at what you DO have in your life vs. what is missing
4. Spend time with grandchildren.
5. Take your pet “out on the town” for a long walk.
6. Remember you don’t have to be in a romantic relationship to use this day to express love and caring for people in your life. Remember how much fun it was when you were a child and gave little valentines to everyone you liked in your class. Share the love.

Making Love Last

Over 50% of all marriages in America end in divorce. What are the keys to making love last?

Couples that have been married for over 40 years say they…
• Accept differences in each other
• Maintain strength during adversity
• Provide nurturing
• Use humor
• Build togetherness
• Use positives in their communication with each other

What are some simple things you can do each day to bolster your chances of making your relationship last?
• Make time for touching and hugs
• Make it a priority to find time for your partner
• Give compliments to each other
• Express appreciation & gratitude
• Have “meaningful” communication
• Say “I love you” and let your behaviors exhibit it

It sounds so easy... and it is! Use this simple techniques to enhance your love life

What Makes A Healthy Relationship?

It's almost Valentine's Day, and the time to celebrate love. But love isn't the only thing that makes up a happy and enduring relationship. Statistics show that almost 1/2 of all marriages end in divorce. This staggering statistic illustrates that the art of finding and maintaining healthy relationships might be an elusive commodity.

What is the most commonly forgotten element of a healthy relationship? Surpassingly, the answer is quite simple. You must learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. Anytime you are not connected with yourself, or find yourself “lost” in a relationship, you can be assured of unhappiness.

People say that healthy relationships have boundaries, what does that mean? Healthy relationships have elements of separateness and individuality. Partners know where they start and their partner begins. Healthy partners realize that they are free to disagree, have different opinions, and create relationship which are free from smothering, invasive behaviors, controlling, and power struggles.


Wondering if your relationship falls into the “healthy” category? Here are some of the key elements of a healthy relationship.
o Relationship that encourages individuality. Healthy relationships encourage partners to have their own interests, friends, and can have time of separation without fear of abandonment
o A relationship that invites growth. Healthy relationships are ever changing and bring new ideas, concepts, friendships, sharing new interests, and learning. If the growth stops, the relationship will become stagnant, boring, and distant.
o A relationship that nurtures open and honest communication. A healthy relationship is built on communication and building a deeper understanding of each other throughout a lifetime.
o A relationship in which it is safe to express feelings of all types in an appropriate manner. Healthy relationships allow space to discuss your fears, your hurt, your grief, anger, and disappointment in a non-threatening way.
o A relationship that builds self-esteem. Healthy relationships make us feel good about ourselves, and are not a place to tear down the other person.
o A relationship built on commitment to resolution. Healthy relationships find ways to negotiate, compromise, and handle conflicts and adversity.
o A relationship that encourages trust and respect. Without these key elements an enduring relationship won't make it to many more Valentine's Days.